Happy New Year

to each and everyone! I hope that 2009 will bring you & your family blessings in your home, your hearts and your life. May you find peace in many ways.

It is my resolution to chat down my daily thoughts, events with the hope of being able to find answers to my questions, peace in my heart, gradual improvements in my inner being as a motherless mother.

My journey started on Oct 12, 2008 when my mother passed away. It was indeed a tough time since I couldn't come to see her due to visa status in Canada. My papers were in process & was allowed to come back home to Manila to see my mother or taking a huge chance of being able to come back to my husband & 2 sons after 5-7 years (as I was told) or taking the luck of being able to come back to Canada without any difficulty. As broken hearted as I was, I opted to be with my children.

But my journey doesn't stop there, it is just starting & my childhood experiences has come back to haunt me.

As I progress on these thoughts & haunting childhood experiences, I hope to find inspiration, courage, faith & serenity as I write my ongoing experiences on this blog.

Currently, we're at my in laws in B.C.(since Dec 16) and will drive back home tomorrow to Alberta. I look forward to coming home, sleeping on our own bed, seeing my kids as comfortable in their own space but also not looking back to being alone at home with the kids when hubby needs to go back to work.

At the moment, my anxiety's bothering me again. Chest pain, fear of basically everything. We had few people came in last night for our New Year's Eve party & a mom of my sister in law's boyfriend's friend's mother was with them. I was enjoying talking wih her in the beginning as she is a mother of 10 until I started comparing her features to my mom (I guess that's what happened). Her big eyes constantly getting big everytime she spoke (w/c was every 5 seconds, her skrony physical attribute w/c I guess made me visualize her as a corpse brought out the fear in me. I don't intend to be mean but simple things has now started to bug me.

I hate this kind of feeling, I hate fearing of things that I know is not real w/c I believed since I was kid 'til adulthood. I wish I can overcome these things. I wish I can find peace & serenity. I wish I could bring up my children properly so they won't grow up as I did.

'Til next time,
Miki